There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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