If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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