I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
