i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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