At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We have so much sex to catch up on
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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