I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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