I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
