you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Less talking, more tequila
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
