I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
