fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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