she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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