Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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