why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
