I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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