Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
