i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
