I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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