there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
