Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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