Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
