If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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