i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
