Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
