textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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