Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
