Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
