Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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