I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I CAN MOONWALK!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
