Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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