Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
