I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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