I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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