Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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