News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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