Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
