Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
