Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
