ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
