I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Randomize
