I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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