I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
