He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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