i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
