I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
