Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
