Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I will be naked everywhere
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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