My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize
