My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
