Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
