i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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