I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
