Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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