We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
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