I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Randomize
