So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he fucked my hip out of place.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
