I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
