I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
