Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
In other news, I just burned my penis
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
