i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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