I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
